1. |
Hands of Stone
02:11
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Too much to care about / so I tried to stop / did not know / what was to come did not care / could not see past the moment / still can't.
Less and less room / for nuance... To feel joy... The week and the different / pushed aside / be strong.
Excised all good parts of me / told myself they were a lie / that this is what you must do to survive.
Ran out of pieces of myself to ruin / turned to others.
Every moment / the weight gets heavier / the rope gets shorter / hands of the clock grow sharper / air seconds / light fades / cloaked in numbness.
So much to give to the ones I love / it's right in front of me / can't grasp it / can't touch it / can't pick it up / nothing separates me from it / will not proceed / 2 alien parts that will never fit / Stone for hands.
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2. |
Blood Tribute
01:27
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I thought we had a deal / I give you control / you give me peace / and no one has to know.
Then why do you keep coming for me? / my mind is not enough. My body, not enough / all I have left now is my blood.
The smallest joy comes with a price / good things - not for me / will never see what they see / will never know what they know. Reasons not good enough / too many excuses / not enough blood.
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3. |
Munitions
01:51
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Every fucking inch of my world is live ordinance / thought of 10 fucking ways to die / just during this conversation.
I can see ten steps ahead / there's never enough time / the bomb always goes off / I'm always too late.
Every step is a landmine / every question a death threat / every problem, a hostage situation / trying to calculate how much more of myself / I can afford to let die each time.
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4. |
Fumes
01:23
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why do I do this? To cheat death / to keep peace. A lifetime of spoils, not one was mine. The line's disappearing, and I'm just about empty.
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5. |
Death Mask
01:04
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You will never be more than what you are at your worst / at your lowest / this life, not for you / Living Dead / world of shit / fuck off, just let me die.
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6. |
The Vice Tightens
01:41
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Eyes in a vice / lungs fill with concrete / blood turns to quicksand / heart batters ribs / stomach inverts / muscles misfire / fucking doomed. Every second is death / a minute, eternity / anything more, an inconceivable measure of time. By then I will not exist
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7. |
Cut The Anchor
01:06
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I can't bear to look at their faces. They have no idea. Will anything I do matter? Will they even remember me? I am going to ruin their lives. I am not casting off the anchor... Just passing it on to everyone else
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8. |
I Know You Recognize Me
01:35
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I see it in you / dead like me / laugh as I watch you hide from your moments of lucidity. How can I describe what it's like to feel nothing? The unexpected places where I find the truth? That familiar stench. They think it's hidden, or that it won't come for them.
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9. |
Yet Here We Are
01:37
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This light was not supposed to go out. This life could not end. You could never be expected to live in total darkness. But hope is now a farce. The gift of this day means the curse of all days after. Nothing behind me but failure. Nothing before me but death.
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10. |
Digested By Failure
02:27
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No fire and brimstone. No moment of impact. Swallowed before you even knew. You'll live years beyond being fucking normal for the last time. Revel for a lifetime after the stars are extinguished. Digested slowly in the fucking acid bath.
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11. |
Kill Me
01:02
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Booze doesn't work... Pills don't work... Weed doesn't work... It's always there. Kill me before it takes over. Kill me
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12. |
Public Disgrace
05:30
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Debunked disgraced negated. Right to your face. Deaf ears stupid mouth. Oh bullshit, you don't look like there's anything wrong with you.
They always say that you should talk about it. But the second you do, you're judged - misunderstood - ostracized. I should have never opened my mouth. At least before it was a secret. I could have kept suffering in silence, like I already was before you tricked me into thinking it would get better if I talked about it.
Now I'm fucking damaged, broken, useless, dangerous. The only way to atone for breaking this unwritten code is to die. Don't tell me there's Hope just because there is for you.
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13. |
Caustic Vigilance
02:50
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Spring-loaded fucking deathtrap. Sleep is only a blindfold. Rest only weakens me. When will the nails pierce through your feet? From what corner will the threat emerge? Caustic vigilance in defense of a life that I hate. Never even see the fatal blow. Awakened from a nightmare into one even worse.
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14. |
A Hallucination Of Mercy
02:04
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Everyday, a split second of mercy. Maybe it was a dream... Maybe I'm finally dead... Maybe I never lived... Circuits flood and I am right where I left off. Sometimes even a few steps behind. And in the distance, the beating of wings.
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15. |
Chimera
05:38
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Since I was young, I never knew it by name. Just a chill in my blood - a shadow in the corner of my eye. The displacement of air. The beating of wings. Looked over my shoulder and never stopped. As I grew older, the chill grew more constant, the shadows longer. The beating, faster. Don't remember when I started to run. Can't remember not running. Seconds, minutes, hours, days weeks years decades. Until finally, worn down by time, I stopped... The beating becomes a roar. The Chimera reveals itself on the horizon. Wings blot out the sky. It's eyes, black obelisks. It's form, incomprehensible. It's name, unknowable. Everything I once knew is now an alien world. Blinding force of the air moves past, as the wings envelop me. This is home now. I am home. It is time.
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16. |
It Is Me And I Am It
11:41
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Didn't even think that everything that day was the last time. A meaningless sleep. Could not wait to get up and walk out. No thought of what was being left behind. A curse on my home. Ignition turns, an airplane in flight. No memories, no anticipation. Numb with purpose.
Snapped back into the present, as I leave familiar roads forever and navigate to the spot to I've chosen. Gliding through the night. Every inch new territory. A fortunate observer of beauty at rest. Wonder what it looks like in daylight. In the summer. Would they see the beauty that I do? A tinge of guilt that my loved ones can never know this place. Untold miles, an albatross with the stain of my failure.
Tranquility gives way to impatience. Trying to find the spot that matches the vision in my head. Now just an impetuous dolt on an errand... This will do. This will do. Engine off. Another albatross. Momentarily sorry for the effort to be made to dispose of it. Relatively public. Not supposed to be here. In my vision, did not anticipate having to act fast. Perhaps for the best. Impervious to the winter air. It is me, and I am it. The lights from the houses above. Cast between the trees. An artist's vision of a heaven denied to them. Monolithic machinery - ready to subsume with complete indifference. Numb with purpose.
The stars, the sand, the crisp night air propel me forward without thought. It is me and I am it. Submerged to my knees before I know it. No turning back. Fully clothed. How would you explain? Boots sink only inches into the muddy bottom. Envisioned being swept away - now it's clear I'll have to charge. Water rises past my waist, and all of a sudden the cold hits my body. The first physical sensation I've felt all night. For a few seconds, millions of years of human instinct override my purpose - nature remind me that I am committing the ultimate Abomination against it. Fight or flight, choose both, do neither. Clothes soaked and heavy, face periodically submerged. A dream actualized. Impossible thought into improbable action, and this is what I do with it. House lights bear indifferent witness as I finally lose the bottom. A final ironic acts of self-preservation - numbed limbs pull me a float to swim to a foolproof depth. Body now suspended. It's time. The night, the cold, the lights, the weight. It is me and I am it. The final exhalation, I fall beneath the surface. Eyes closed. Don't care to see anymore. No longer my decision. It is me and I am it. Only seconds remain. Eyes going numb, lungs pressed flat. Accursed instinct forces my mouth open, air becomes water. It is me and I am it. Last moments before eternal sleep. Every synapse aflame. Years of weight and numbness lead me to less than a minute of every single sensation the human body can feel all at once. It is me and I am. Nature vomits its disgust at my failure - how could this happen? I grab its neck and hurl us into the void. One final burst of light and then. Extinction, negation. I am not. I am nothing. There is no I. Only silence. I am not. It is me and I am it.
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Daint Recordings Connecticut
Noise for posers.
Est. whatever year noise was popular.
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